Questioning Mortality
by CrimStudent47
Summary: Time goes on and life does not return to how it used to be, change the attitude and you change your soul. She lost her husband and became a killer.
1. Chapter 1

**_Hello all, I am trying something different, I am not sure if it is good as I am just getting back into writing again. I am looking for a beta that would be willing help me with ideas, my grammar and much more! Sorry about any grammatical errors or spelling mistakes! I have no beta! Hope you all enjoy_**

**_**_This is very AU as I started writing it before Emily left. _**_**

**_**_I do not own anything besides Daniel. _**_**

_"__Death occurs in unexpected times." _

_― __Lailah Gifty Akita_

Today was suppose to be another ordinary day but when has anything ever been ordinary my life. Today could be considered one of the worst days of my life. The police came to my door, just as I do when I tell someone that their loved one has been killed.

I open the door and hope to god that what they are going to tell me will not come out of their mouth. That my beloved husband was shot and killed in the line of duty. As a police officer, everyone knows that there are risks that you may never come home again because somebody else was having a horrible day.

I look into their eyes and they start the exact same way that I would to notify someone that their loved one has died.

"Hello, Ms Jareau, may we come in, we have something important to tell you."

"sure, you can come in."

"Miss, this would be better if you sat down." The female officer says politely

"Please, don't make me do that, I have told many families about their loved ones, just tell me the news."

"We are sorry but your husband was shot in the line of duty, he died a hero protecting the others around him." The female officer says sadly

"Did he go quickly?" I whisper

"Yes, he did, we are very sorry for your loss. Is there anyone that we can call." The male officer says

"No, that's alright I think… think that I should be fine." I try to think what I could say but nobody comes to mind.

The two officers leave and I look at the wall and think what am I suppose to tell my two kids.

Why Will, why did you leave me. I love you our kids love you. You promised Henry and Daniel that you would take them camping this weekend. What am I suppose to tell the boys?

Oh, my poor boys why do they have to grow up without a father around them. They will only have memories of what you used to be. I will always tell them that you were a hero.

I walk upstairs and I see Henry and Daniel both playing with their toys on the ground.

"Mommy, when is daddy coming home?" Daniel asks as any child would.

Henry looks up at me with his hopeful eyes and waits for the response that they both want to hear.

I know I do not have the response that they are both looking for. I sit down on the ground with them, I put Daniel on my lap, and I pull Henry over closer to me so I can wrap an arm around him.

I look at them both and take a deep breath and say, "Boys, daddy was in an accident at his work. Daddy isn't coming home; he went up to see the angels just like Jack's mommy."

Daniel looks at me and says "But that means we can never see him again."

"I know baby, I really do, but you got to remember that daddy loves you and he will always be looking down at you." I hug them tighter so that they know that they are loved.

I let the boys go back to playing though they really want to follow me and make sure that nothing more will change.

I grab out my phone and I dial Emily's number.

"Hey, Emily, I just really need to talk to you right now."

"Ya, sure thing Jayje, I will be over really soon."

As I waited for Emily, I contemplated on how I was going to get through my life.

Finally, Emily came and I answered the door and looked ather and she knew instantly that something was wrong.

"Jayje, what is wrong what happened, where is Will?

I look at her and say those three dreaded words "He is dead"

"Oh my god, how did he die? Where are the boys?" Emily looks completely devastated

"They are upstairs playingin their room; they both know that Will is gone." I completly ignored telling her how Will died, I could not comprehend it myself

"I am going to go call some people okay, I will be right back."

Emily gets up and goes to phone the team.

As she dials the numbers quickly, I wonder what my life is going to bring me. I have two beautiful boys without a father.

How am I supposed to go on?

_"An insincere friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind." _  
_-Buddha_

**_This is just the background information of where the story is going to go... It changes and gets darker pretty fast! JJ losing Will is going to change her. Thanks again! _**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to the people who reviewed and who read the last chapter! Hope you enjoy this one. **

**I do first person point of view it makes the story different! I still have no beta, so all mistakes are my own! **

**I do not own anything!**

My life has drastically changed since Will was killed. I have changed, some would say for the worse, I would say my eyes have been opened up and I realize now what I am good at. I threw myself into my home life or so I made everyone thing that. Hotch gave me three months off to feel better, to grieve and to help the boys grieve and remember their father. Every day I would spend time with them and I would play with them, enjoy their laugh make new memories. I am doing my best to cover up all the pain I feel, I am trying to parent my kids without Will and cope without him, learn a new way of life. So much pain and heartache in my life, how someone cannot break, how can someone not want to go out and kill or be killed.

Psychologically speaking, I know I should go and get help, but I have given up on the real world, after seeing and doing so many horrible things and even great things I just feel that it is my time to be the killer.

I decided after Will's funeral to try the killing game. The one where nobody but me survives, I knew I could never kill anyone around me that I considered "family". After seeing all these murderers running around and killing and seemingly so happy, why not join in on the fun and see what all the fuss is about.

I went for a car ride, just to clear my head, thinking of how to start this killing game, how can I do it without be detected, how can I kill someone with the job I do. I see the victims I see the families, but in my mind at this point I just do not care. I see this man just walking, and I feel maybe is the time to start, I have to start somewhere why not start with him.

This poor sweet man he was out for a walk just a simple walk before I blitz attacked him with a hammer right on the temple of his head. It felt so good so right to have that hammer smash into his temple. I incapacitated him because well I am not strong enough to kill him while he is conscious. He looked so much like Will. I wonder if Will felt any pain before he died. Those grey eyes looking up at me with pure shock and disbelief that he was going to be killed and to top it off he was going to be killed by a FBI agent that was a women though he had no idea I was FBI. He was probably thinking that he could not die he had so much to live for, or maybe he wanted to die, that is why he did not struggle, that the end was near and he found comfort in that fact. When I looked into his eyes I felt it, I felt what every other killer feels, freedom.

He did not go quickly, stabbing someone five times is better in your imagination than in reality. There is blood everywhere. Next time I have to do a bit of research on where to stab to kill not stab to harm. I know next time I am not going to be killing the same way or even in the same town. To change my Modus Operandi will lengthen my time that I am able to kill, it will make it harder for police to connect as well as changing my location will give me a larger geographical area that anyone will have to profile. Working with profilers has really made this killing a lot easier.

I smiled at him and dragged him into my car, I took my time, I was careful. I want to spend time with my victims and I want to have time to kill, I do not need any stupid mistake to get me caught. I made sure to destroy any evidence of a connection between him and me. Before I dumped him I grabbed his wallet and looked at it. Christopher Stale was the first thing I saw and after flipping through his wallet he had no family pictures, no real information about him. Maybe nobody will miss him. He looks like someone that would fall through the cracks, someone who even as a child just barely passed by in life.

I left him on highway 66 near Falls Church.

I killed him the day after my husband's funeral.

_"__It's harder to heal than it is to kill."  
__― __Tamora Pierce_

**Please review if you want! Have a good day! **


	3. Chapter 3

******_Sorry for the delay, life caught up to me! Hope you enjoy, soon the team will find out about what she has been doing! Also sorry for the shortness of the chapter, but I felt like ending it there. _**

**_I do not own anything!_**

A month later on the exact same day, I went out and found my next victim. She was a pretty woman in her early twenties; she never knew that she never would have the chance of living a full life. I found her walking out of a club by herself she was drunk. Easy to talk to, easy to coerce. I took my chances and went to her and grabbed her, she was easier than the man that I killed first. I decided this time to put a plastic bag over her head to kill her.

I watched as she tried to grasp for air but she could not. I loved the way her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she did not move anymore. It took a long time for her to die. However, it was shorter than the man that I stabbed. I left her on highway 95 near Aberdeen.

Another month went by and I found my next victim this time it was an older man probably in his late sixties. I wanted to choke him to death with a rope. I just all of the sudden had an urge to kill him. I went after him and within the first ten minutes of talking to him, he was dead. I left him on highway 83 near Dallastown.

Through all of these months, I have returned to work, to stop the "monsters" that are doing the exact same thing that I am doing. It surprises me that I am not changed by going back to work, that maybe I would start to feel remorse. Nobody knows the dark side that has become me. They think that everything is okay and that everything is normal with me. Boy are they wrong.

I have started to wonder how long it will take anyone to realize that there I am killing people. I wonder when the case will come across my desk. Would I take it or would I just pass it on. I do not know the answer to that but in time I will tell.

As another month comes, I kill another person, this time I go for a women she is in her late forties. She has two kids and a loving husband I presume. I never want to know much about my victims as I only do the killings for the thrill of feeling alive and being free for the first time in my life. I guess that ever since my sister committed suicide I just did not know how to feel. This woman was easy to kill. All I did was grab a bat and hit her over the head a few times and she died from blunt force trauma to the head. I left this women on highway 97 near Parole.

Four victims were dead four months after I had buried my husband. Life is just unfair. I laughed. I knew that I was getting sicker and sicker with each kill. I knew that I was never going to stop unless someone stopped me. That could take a while. My strategy seems to be working, as nobody is connecting the dots, all my victims were found within a week of the killing.

**Review if you wish!**


	4. Chapter 4

**_Hi! I know it has been a year, but I kinda lost my love for Criminal Minds after everything that went on in it, now I do not even watch Criminal Minds, but I thought I would stick this out and post the last chapters, if anyone is still interested! I hope you enjoy. _**

Emily keeps wanting to hang out and so does Penelope I keep declining saying I have to spend time with my kids. I know they see through my lies. I know that they think there is something dark and sinister going on. I bet you they would never think that I killed people though. I bet you they would never believe me.

I decided not to just straight out kill any more victims because it was starting to become less fun. I needed a new way to make it more fun. How about torture. I just need to learn a few things.

This is why 8 months after I buried my husband everything changed again.

I was sitting at my desk going through all of the case files and there it was the one I have been waiting for. They have finally made the connection between all of the murders. I decided that I should present the case to Hotch and see what he thinks. Maybe if I do that they will never think I would have done it. I finally got up the courage to present the case to Hotch and he agrees that there is something more at work there than coincidence. I know I should not have presented the case to Hotch. Maybe I was feeling something for these four dead people that I never felt while I killed them.

I gather the team and I start talking about each of the victims. As I go through them it becomes real. I realize that I killed real people that have families. Am I actually feeling guilt. I push it to the back of my brain and keep talking.

"Christopher Stale was a thirty year old man. He was found on highway 66 near Falls Church he was stabbed to death five times." I don't even flinch when I look at his picture, the brutal murder that took place there, the pain that he had endured.

"Next victim is Rosie Maris she was twenty-three years old. She was found suffocated to death with a bag over her head. She was found on highway 95 near Aberdeen.

Next victim is Charles Foster was a sixty eight year old man. He was choked to death with a rope. He was found on highway 83 near Dallastown

The last victim Marissa White was a forty three year old female. She was killed by blunt force trauma to the head with an object. She was found on highway 97 near Parole.

"All the victims have been found on highways all around Washington." I finish

"So that means that the unsub is most likely from Washington." Morgan says

"Reid, I want you to start geographical profiling, Morgan and Prentiss I want you to go and talk to Stale and Whites spouses. Rossi and I will go and look at the victims at the morgue. JJ I want you to set up a press release and to get more information on the victims, see if anything connects them." Hotch says

The team is off. I just look as they go and I smile knowing that they are never going to find out it was me.

They each go off to do their task. None of them have come up with any good information on finding the "unsub". Nothing connects any of the victims. It seems that they were all in the wrong place at the wrong time. It takes another seven days before they have any profile that they can work off.

They start profiling the unsub in front of the police department.

"This unsub is smart, meticulous, they understand what it is to be a good killer. There is no sexual aspect, they seem to just want to kill them for the thrill."

They were closer than I imagined

"This unsub likes to drop the victims off at the highways because it is better than leaving them somewhere where they might not be found. This unsub wants them found."

"This unsub is most likely a female one of the first I might add. We know this because men do not usually take care into what they are doing and because men usually start off easy then go heavy but since there has been no activity in the last 2 months then we assume that they have not found the urge to kill anymore. They want to be found. This female unsub would be between the age 25 and 35. She would be very intelligent, attractive and every man would want to talk to her. She could work in law enforcement but we think she works for the government. She would have to have power to be able to keep herself from doing any more killings."

All this time I look at them and I realize that they have described me but they are still missing some parts to it.

"She would have had a stressor in the last 8 months something happened to her that made her finally lose it. Her husband could have died; her boyfriend could have left her. She did not like that, she could not be in control of that situation and that made her go off. " Morgan finished

"That is the profile and we would like you to all be out on the lookout for someone like this." Hotch concluded.

"JJ we are going to need a press release of this unsub, we need to public to be aware of who is out there." Hotch states

"Okay, sir, I will have one ready and I will release the statement in an hour " JJ says with barely any enthusiasm in her voice as she doesn't really care anymore she is losing the battle that she tried to protect herself from. She realizes now that she wants them to know it was she that did it because it would be easier.

The press statement was released and the public are now aware of what is going on. They all group up together again and just sit and think when a police officer walked in and said "I have been thinking about this for a bit and not to sound mean or anything but the profile that you gave out it kind of points to your own people, though I do not know enough about you each, but with the profile and how everything looks, it kind of points to one of yours." He stutters along.

Hotch looked at Emily and pulled her aside. I never knew what they said but I know that was when it clicked with them all that I was the unsub that they had been looking for.

Damn profilers never can keep a secret from them.

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	5. Chapter 5

_**Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter! **_

**_This is the second last chapter_**

**_If anyone has any story ideas that would be great to hear them!_**

**_All mistakes are my own as I have no Beta_**

**_I hope you enjoy!_**

Emily walked over to me and said, "Can we talk for a bit. Please"

I walk with her and into an interrogation room and she says, "Have a seat, we need to talk about how you have been after Will's death."

"Not much to say, he died and I moved on for my boys."

"How are your boys, how was Henry's play last week."

"Oh, it was good, I guess."

"JJ, we are not dumb, you were not there Henry phoned me and I went and watched with the rest of the team because he deserved someone there with him."

I finally give up and say, "Do you really want to know what I have been doing for the last eight months."

She sharply replies with "Yes"

"Those four victims, those four people that we have been looking at, I killed them, I wanted to feel free and guess what I did I finally figured out what those other people feel when they kill. The freedom that you feel the control that I feel when I killed each of them. I wanted everything to feel better, I wanted no more pain and in those moments that I killed, them I felt what I wanted to feel. I forgot about everything that was going on in my life. I knew that it was coming to an end though. Killing them was fun while it lasted, I started to get bored, like there was more that I could do. I understand what is going to happen to me, I wave all my rights." I looked directly at Emily and smirked.

"Right JJ like I believe you could do that, please tell why you did it, if you actually did." Emily said with a bit of sarcasm in her voice. I do not think she truly believed me at first. I think she thought that I was lying, that maybe I wanted attention.

"Because I could, because I wanted to. Isn't that enough." I slammed my fist against the table, getting irritated that she did not believe me.

"Do you want the graphic details to prove to you that I did that to them. The second victim I suffocated her with a plastic bag, holding it on her head, as she struggled against me, her body slowly loosing the fight. She fell asleep in my arms and I felt her die slowly. Her eyes looked right at me as she slowly lost the battle, she knew that I was not going to let her live, she gave up the fight and gave in to her destiny. It was a pretty sight watching it happen to her. She never even stood a chance. She was the easiest victim out of the four. She was so sweet and innocent and look what I did to her. Do you know what it is like to take a life Emily and feel sweet release when they die and look at you when they are dying." I sneered

Emily looked at JJ and looked away from her and sighed. JJ knew at that moment it was over, that she was done for that her life was not hers anymore.

Hotch walks in and says "I would have expected this from anyone else but you JJ, I knew Elle killed that man in cold blood but I never knew someone as good as you could become so jaded. Elle even had the sense to leave before it destroyed her, but you just started killing people. How can you do that and still come to work everyday like nothing even happened."

"I did it because of the job, we look for the worst in people, and we look at dead people all day. Do you think any of us are normal anymore Hotch? Look at our lives, and really examine them. Do you really think that after all this time nobody was going to turn out this way" I bite back.

"We are all people who care; we do our best to get through it. We try to make it not consume us. We talk to other people. You never talk to people about your problems and that is where you went wrong. When my ex-wife got murdered by Foyet, I felt lost and destroyed but I had many people to talk to and I have my son who I knew needed a parent to come home to. He made me survive, he was the reason for me coming back to work, to protect him and everyone else from the murderers in the world. You just shunned us all when Will died, you came back to work, but the person who came back was not who we expected, you were just a shell of your old self. I thought I was bad, look at you JJ, look at yourself do you see what you have become."

"I have become something everyone of you fear, someone that one day we all will eventually become this way. Remember Gideon he was going crazy because of everything that we saw. Do you remember him in his last week he was here? He went crazy do you wonder what he is like now. Do you think he is living a normal happy life? What about Elle, she killed someone in cold blood do you think she is normal anymore. I think we are all jaded and some of us just take it further than others. Do you think Spence is going to be normal for long? His schizophrenia is catching up with him faster than any of us will ever realize. One day he will be in the same place that his mother is. What about Emily she compartmentalizes a lot of stuff. Do you think if she keeps compartmentalizing she will be the same. Do you think all those emotions will not just burst through? She will break one day and it will not be pretty." I huffed.

"God, JJ have you not noticed anything that has happened around here. Emily has been talking to us; we help her whenever she needs it. She knows that she can count on us to help her through the tough times. Reid is going to the doctors every year to get a check up on his schizophrenia and we already all told him we would be there to help him. Elle and Gideon left the BAU because they could not handle it anymore. What about Rossi, Morgan and I, since you seem to be able to profile us so well." He remarked with a bit of a smirk. I think he was surprised by what I knew or the fact that I could actually profile so well.

"Rossi is too old he understands what it is like. Morgan he just goes head first into everything, one day he will come home in a casket instead of the jet. You on the other hand are already jaded, you are jaded but you have your son to keep you going."

"You have two sons to keep you going. What about them?"

"I just didn't care anymore, it was just too much for me. Those boys remind me of everything that I used to have, they deserve someone who will love them forever and not leave them ever chance they get I needed a way out. Now I have it and I am taking it even if it leads me to death. I believe dying this way is better than dying by killing yourself. I am done talking." I sniped

Emily and Hotch both leave and I just look at the mirror and smile because on the other side is everyone on the team probably even Garcia. God she would be the only one safe. She is too chipper to ever have anything go wrong with her. She sees the light in all of us.

_**I hope you enjoyed the chapter**_

_**Review if you wish**_


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